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History

(or just short-term memories)

In the beginning...

It all started in the locker room while enjoying some Ginger Ales. Somebody shouted, "Tell the new guys about our website." On the fly, I responded that we have a webpage -- dickswithsticks.com.

At the next game, somebody replied that the address is invalid. I answered, "Sorry, it is dickswithstick.com and the sticks is not plural." A few days later, I got a phone call. He's asking about the web address and is insistent that he went to those sites and they definitely are not a hockey page!

I try once again. I say that it is "dickwithstick.com" and neither dick nor stick is plural. He relays it to his wife so she can type the updated address while I am on the phone with him. Whoa, still not appropriate! I said, "Well, check our facebook page under that name." Well, that also was an inappropriate page. Laughing too much that he's been trolling gay porn sites, I realize the joke has definitely ran it's course and I start to feel empathy for him. He's spoiling the joke and I start to now think he's conning me. So, I say, "Please stop, we don't have a team site."

I don't know how it ended between the sucker and his wife, though. It must have been an awkward conversation for him to explain what he does leaving the house for a 10:30 pm game to meet up with the guys. Needless to say, she never came to watch any of our hockey games.

A couple weeks later, I announced in the locker room that we got a new sponsor - BlackRubbers.com - that provided hockey pucks, and encouraged each player to visit the new sponsor's website. The sucker said, I'm not going to any site you mention. But he did spend a couple weeks browsing a lot of dick pages to find our team.

Now, every time someone joins our hockey team there is always locker room banter about our website in earshot of the new guy. Without missing a beat, veteran skaters throw the line and try to reel in another sucker.

The next year when we participated in a travel tournament they asked our team name. Immediately thought Dicks with Sticks but that is a bit crude so on the fly the name was tweaked to Pigs with Twigs. It worked. The Pigs name is family friendly with the cartoonish pig. And the Pepto Bismal pink pig jerseys are a fan favorite. But please understand, that it truly is Dicks with Sticks.

Then we started playing the Guns & Hoses tournament that benefits first responders, police, and fire. I hesitated with our team name, Pigs with Twigs, as it may be offensive to the police officers however I knew that the firefighters would love the name and buy us beers. So we always get compliments for our jerseys and occassionally get asked if we have any association with the police.

Dick Savard

In honor of the late Dick “Biggin” Savard we founded our hockey team and named it after an esteemed member. For generations the Savards lived in Nunavut Territory in the Canadian Arctic. However, his mother would no longer have Nunavut so the family moved across Hudson Bay.

Big Dick grew to be long and lean stretching out to 190 cm. Born and raised in Nunalik off the Hudson Strait in northern Quebec, he was the middle of two brothers that called him Biggin. As a youth, Dick enjoyed the outdoors and especially ice hockey.

He participated with the elders in weekend pond hockey and was then known as Nunalik Dick. But that would soon change as he started school in nearby Nuvulik where all the girls and most of the jealous boys lauded his prowess and he was called Nuvulik Dick owing to consecutive undefeated hockey seasons where Dick could not be licked.

Through hockey, Big Dick traveled and spent a summer in Orono, Maine. Unfortunately illiterate and not able to spell Dick worked odd jobs and regularly competed with the University of Maine hockey team in practices and earned the title of Maine Dick from the Black Bears players and coaching staff. Later Big Dick played parts of two seasons in the CHL with the Quebec Voyageurs.

In the CHL, Dick was always shadowed by Harry Balls and Max Siemen. His older brother was there for his first when he scored and spent time briefly in the box. Later relegated to the checking line, Dick would often slowly perk up and usually was followed by the uncontrollable Siemen and the lethargic Balls. The rookie highlight was when Dick got through the defense with Siemen finishing in the hole between the legs in Val d’Or as he finished that year and became a veteran.

Although Big Dick was all speed, many commented that he was too quick, with his big stick. He tried but mostly fired blanks. He was often frustrated by the blocker. The big stick from Nunavut. Even though memorably lauded for “Dick’s Tip In” that clinched first place in the season finale, he blew his shot as a Voyeur. Beaten and soar, Big Dick eventually settled in Bangor where he had more ex-wives than the amount of times he had scored in the juniors.

Several years passed before Big Dick was again strapped with protective gear and started making appearances at the local rink. Childless and old, Big Dick died in Anna in north Texas. Ten thousand attended to send Big Dick Savard to a final resting in Nunavut.

Many years have now passed since the gamedays when hundreds of fans would clamor to the rink with excitement hoping to see the mythical Big Dick Savard. Our hockey club presently honors the Biggin. Donning the jerseys, we play hockey not for money or fans but rather We Play For Dick.

Apology to Hockey Teammates

Sorry for last night boys. Had a rough few days personally, and it all snuck up on me last night and got the best of me. I should have just levelled someone on the ice and see if that worked. Uncharacteristic of me to leave, but my head wasn't in the right place and figured it was best for me to leave than continue to get all heated up over nothing but my own shit.

- Boats & Hoes

green and brown mountain under white clouds during daytime

Quitter (x 2)

Had a teammate that was +1 for getting to the parking garage, +1 for getting to the dressing room, +1 for lacing his skates... No shit!

Loyalty? He once signed up late so he was placed on another team. During the season when he next played against us, he dressed in our locker room despite skating and playing for the other team. I guess he loved us.

He always insisted that he only play forward. We lost a game 8-1 and someone tried to manage a positive post-game comment and said he did well on the faceoff dot. He replied 11 of 12. Really? Hell, yes I won all but one faceoff. Several where stunned with the display of conceited self-inflation but someone managed an "Oh really?". Months later, he states that he only plays defense. To be honest, he insists on lining up as a defenseman but he does not defend. The goalie says it is worse than cataracts as he helplessly stands in front blocking his vision.

Too cheap so he only (eventually) paid part-time fees which entitled him to play half the games. No, Mr Plus Seven decides to show up every week. Carefully out of earshot, he bullshits a few guys that he paid full-time fees and feels slighted and unappreciated. Toward the end of the season, Mr Plus Seven on the economy plan starts fighting with our whole bench during the game. Not his first run-in. I am stunned at his assinine behavior. A pacifistic skater adamantly says to fucking leave. Another says to stop being selfish. A third says to just leave. The referees do not drop the puck during his chaos.

He may be +2 for driving to the rink but he's -2 balls. Yap yappity yap. I finally decide on the bench of offer him a full refund if he would just leave the ice. He refused the refund and says he cannot be kicked off the team because he'd already quit on us. I decide to pay him his part-time fees out of my pocket for good riddance.

Notably, he "quits" with less than 90 seconds on the clock -- yeah, ice time is really important to him. It is economical to quit after your last shift in the third period. Credit him with another +1 for clock management.

I wait a day to let emotions settle. I consider messaging but am leery of stirring the pot. Realistically, no value trying to reason with a rock. In truth, I surmise that you cannot talk sense to dogshit brains so I wait on it to see if he's a man and reaches out. Mr Minus 2 Balls does not speak up. So I take the high road and opt to honor his silence by not unnecessarily stating the obvious that he's off the team (even though he defiantly quit in the final minutes leaving the bench and apparently double bird saluting me).

On a side note, we finish the game without Mr Minus 2 Balls. I catch our goalie in the hallway and relay the episode as he missed the details of the chaos on the bench. During my retelling, many from the locker room are not even dressed but start scurrying for the exits. In mid-sentence with the goalie I glimpse several dashing from the locker room later to learn that Mr Minus 2 Balls was defiantly telling the entire locker room that, with all due respect, he is the best defenseman in the league and proceeded individually namecalling every person present in the locker room stating that he was a better player. He tried a hard sell but convinced no one. They scurried out of the locker room away from the flaming bag of smoldering dogshit.

A week later - next game. So we take attendance for the next game and avoid stirring the pot with Mr Minus 2 Balls. Besides, he slow paid his part-time fees and is not entitled to all the playoff games. We have a full bench so he would have sat since he played the playoff game in the prior week. Our team starts arriving for the playoff championship game and suddenly appears Mr I Quit in our locker room. The Quitter decides to dress for a free game despite burning every bridge. Maybe we'd assume it was a new guy instead of the two-bird quitter. Apparently he thought he was doing us a favor as the best player in the league was not going to miss the championship or sit out a game he didn't pay for. Worth a try as he already kicked himself of our team. With too many skaters, we openly discuss in the locker room that someone needs to sit -- all eyes focus on Mr Minus 2 Balls. He refuses to leave. He awkwardly goes to the ice and skates to to our bench.

We win the championship. At the post-game party, Mr Minus 2 Balls sits in solitude.

He got his money's worth. To this day, he refuses to return the jerseys he never paid for. I laugh because he lacks any balls to dare wear the jersey to any rink. Obviously, he quit once again following the championship game.

Never able to kick the arse off the team. But first I've seen a guy quit on a team two weeks in a row. I kept an eye to see if he'd return to the other team that for which he opted to dress in our locker room despite skating with them. He repeatedly informed me that he had the best plus/minus in the league, but I assuredly was +1 when that stinkpile of shit finally left our team. And #10 has never been reissued.

For the record, no apology from Quitter (x2).

Picture tells a story

This photo captured the post-game event following our championship victory. Same night that a teammate quit for the second time in consecutive games. Strangely, the quitter joined us for the post-game event. Ashley 1, Teammate 0.